Words of Wisdom for Graduates

Written by Emily

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Well, another school year has passed without a single school district or university in the area asking this stay-at-home mom to be the keynote graduation speaker. Odd.

 

It’s true that I may not have inspirational or motivational words to rival notable speakers who have gone before me, but I have learned some valuable life lessons in my almost 35 years on this planet. And I’m more than happy to share those lessons with still-malleable, impressionable minds. My tips for grads would include these gems…

Buy Knock-Off Sunglasses

It will happen something like this: You’ll put a pair of expensive sunglasses on your face and think, “this is what I’m supposed to look like in sunglasses. I must have these.” They’re ridiculously priced, but you buy them anyway because well, you just have to. You promise yourself that you will take good care of this pair and not lose them like you have every other pair of sunglasses you’ve ever owned. You will then leave those sunglasses in a restaurant or on the subway. You’ll sit on them. Your baby or puppy will use them as a chew toy. They will be gone forever.

 

Don’t be a victim. Buy five pairs of cheap knock-offs and put them in every bag you own. Stow them in your glove compartment. Be happy.

Don’t Spray Paint Your Car

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I imagine every person who has ever toyed with the idea of spray painting his car thinks that this time it will work; this will be the car that looks good spray painted with Krylon’s Burnt Sienna or Rustoleum’s Sunburst Yellow. I also imagine that after the very first spray, said person knows this was a mistake. But he has to press on. He has to. And he knows that for the rest of that car’s life (and maybe his own) he will have to pretend it was the best decision he ever made.

Rethink Truck Testicles

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There is nothing more to say, really.

Fitted Sheets are the Worst.

There are people who can fold fitted sheets into perfect squares. Those people dabble in black arts. Stay away from them.

Life is a Circle

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Harry Chapin has a song called All My Life’s A Circle. Harry was absolutely right. Life is a circle. It’s a circle of fleeting relief that the dishes are clean, the laundry is done and the interior of the car is pristine followed by bitter disappointment that those things last 3.7 seconds before you must begin again.

To-Go Cups Leak

You’ve seen commercials about plastic water bottles circling the planet more times than you can count. So you’re going green. When you aren’t doing dishes, laundry or cleaning the car, you’re searching for the perfect to-go cup, water bottle or sippy cup. They all leak, most often when you or someone you love is wearing white. You’ll collect enough of these to circle the planet more times than you can count.

Wet Wipes Will Save Your Life

Don’t wait until you have children to discover the value of wet wipes. Look what the person next to you is doing with his hands. You’ll shake that hand later. You’ve been warned.

Markers and Glue Sticks Dry Out

When you need a marker or a glue stick, it will be dry. Even if you bought it three days ago–especially if you have children.

Buy More Socks

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If you become obscenely wealthy, buy socks every single day and discard them after you wear them. Open a fresh pair the next day. Repeat. If you can’t do this, know that you will spend an inordinate amount of time cursing under your breath while you search for the match you swore you just put in the wash.

If It’s Cheap, it’s Cheap.

If It’s Expensive, it’s also Cheap.

I’m sorry. It’s called planned obsolescence.

You Will Forget the Reusable Grocery Bags.

A lot.

Don’t Hate Yourself

Everyone falls victim to a weight loss gimmick or an “as seen on TV” product. They get you in the early morning hours when you’re up with a sick child or nursing yourself back to health after a particularly rough night. It’s only a problem if you have an entire room of  silicon egg poachers and kitchen knives that can cut through metal pipes.

The rest you know because you’ve seen it on memes circulating Pinterest, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. Now, go be great, grads!

6 comments for “Words of Wisdom for Graduates

  1. cathypasierb@gmail.com
    May 28, 2014 at 10:23 am

    All my life’s a circle…Yep! Even the laundry. Love this post!

    • girlalwaysinterrupted
      May 28, 2014 at 8:40 pm

      Thanks! Maybe that would have been in Harry’s next verse? 🙂

  2. May 28, 2014 at 12:24 pm

    Do you see me over here? I’m giving you a standing ovation! This is some fine, fine advice. My absolute favorite? “There are people who can fold fitted sheets into perfect squares. Those people dabble in black arts. Stay away from them.”

    • girlalwaysinterrupted
      May 28, 2014 at 8:40 pm

      Thank you. Thank you. I’m bowing 😉 And btw, I believe that about fitted sheet experts.

      For real, thanks so much for reading and commenting!

  3. May 29, 2014 at 5:05 pm

    I hope you’re planning on teaching a college course called “Real Life” one day, because you’ve nailed it. I’m not sure why anyone thinks spray painting their car is a good idea, bullet hole stickers hide rust better. Take my word for it.
    Sunglasses are like umbrellas, you can’t own them, they’re just something you borrow from the universe for a short time, then they float along to someone or something else. My favorite tweet of mine goes something like:
    “Dollar Store Sunglasses: Like looking at the world through dirty hotdog water.”
    But if they get too scratched? A new pair is a dang DOLLAR. Huzzah.

  4. May 31, 2014 at 1:46 am

    There are currently four identical pair of $12 sunglasses scattered around my house, I will NEVER stop using wet wipes, and I cannot, for the love of life, tell you how mad it makes me that no one has yet made the perfect water bottle or why our newest, most expensive appliances, don’t work nearly as well as the 1970’s models they replaced.

    Everything you write is my favorite. I love the stuffing out of this one.

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