Sex Sent Me to the DR…a Handsome DR

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“You’ll be seeing a medical student. You can leave your urine sample now.”

It’s a teaching hospital, and as the saying goes, this is not my first rodeo. I fully expect to see medical students (or have them see me) occasionally. I once had a newbie ask if my infant had been complaining of muscle pain or headaches. To which I responded, “He doesn’t speak or have control of his limbs, yet, so…” A doctor entered the room and finished my answer, “No. We don’t ask that of babies.” I’m a mom and a teacher. I wanted to put a reassuring hand on the student’s shoulder, but my baby was wailing, so I just smiled a smile that I hoped said, “No problem. It’ll get easier.”

When the door to the exam room opened this time, I was ready for the clipboard and the questions. I was not ready for this guy, this guy who was a close second in the running for one of the McSteamy or McDreamy characters on Grey’s Anatomy. Oh. Good.

“I just have a few questions,” he smiled.

“Great,” I answered, my voice rising several octaves. Get a hold of yourself.

It’s not that he was tall, dark and handsome with a flawless complexion and adorable smile that made my pulse quicken. It wasn’t that he told me I seemed to be “looking good and doing well”–observations he made because I was able to stand up from my chair and hoist myself onto the exam table without help. It wasn’t even that he confirmed I’m Strep B positive again–whatever, discussions about bacteria partying in the land down under is practically a first date conversation for some people…probably. Those weren’t the reasons my heart beat a little faster when he rested the stethoscope against my chest (I’m sure had I turned that stethoscope on him that my radiant 9-month pregnant form would have had the same effect on him…obvi).

No. It wasn’t those things. It was that I knew in a few short minutes, this dreamy, bright-eyed medical student would come face to…face is not the right word here…face to hooha. I hoped he wasn’t a virgin…not the kind of virgin who hadn’t had a romp in the sack…a virgin to nine-month pregnant lady parts…nine-month pregnant lady parts preparing to push a fourth human being into the world. I’m sure he read about the increase in blood volume in pregnant women. Certainly someone told him that things might look a bit different, that it’s not only the abdomen that swells to something unrecognizable. Surely someone prepared him.

I mean it’s not that I know for sure what my not-so delicate flower looks like these days. I haven’t seen it for weeks. But I have a hunch it wouldn’t inspire poetry.

I talk too much when I’m nervous, so when the doctor came in and told me to let my knees fall “all the way open,” I motioned to the med student in the corner of the room, “Have you ever done one of these before?” Cripes. “Checked someone’s cervix, I mean?”

At least my embarrassing chatter forced some of that extra blood into my cheeks.

“We can close the curtain,” the doctor answered.

I nervously laughed, “No. No. I just don’t want to traumatize anyone.” Seriously, Em. Shut up.

It was true, though. I didn’t want to be single-handedly or single-vagedly (it’s shocking this is not a word) responsible for changing the course of this man’s career. I hoped this seraphic med student hadn’t glossed over the pictures in his anatomy books and was only now seeing for the first time in high definition the miracle of a woman’s body preparing for childbirth.

I also hoped the doctor’s body was a shield and that the third year medical student saw nothing except my freshly shorn knees.

“Almost 4,” the doctor smiled.

I sat up trying not to look like an upside-down turtle trying to right herself.

Almost 4!

Everyone left the room.

I wrestled with my pants and waddled to the reception desk.

While I scheduled my last prenatal visit, I hoped that somewhere down the hall a young medical student wasn’t canceling the rest of his.

 

15 comments for “Sex Sent Me to the DR…a Handsome DR

  1. Carolyn Heimann
    December 22, 2014 at 9:14 am

    Emily…..
    This made my morning! Even choked on my coffee over the “face to hooha”. You really have a way with words, and tell a great story!
    Thanks for starting my day off with a giggle and a smile! Oh and 4 is goooood!

    • girlalwaysinterrupted
      December 22, 2014 at 10:30 am

      Thank you so much for reading! I’m glad you chuckled this morning : ) And I’m even happier that 4 is good! I’m gearing up for the big day. Only a few more days. The holiday rush is keeping me distracted!

      • Carolyn Heimann
        December 22, 2014 at 11:43 pm

        Good luck to you, and your family! Enjoy this time, and Merry Christmas!

  2. December 22, 2014 at 9:59 am

    I once had a medical student check my cervix – I’ll never forget hearing “can you ball your hands into fists and prop your hips up? We really need to get up in there.”

    Hope that doctor helps you deliver – what a great distraction that would be.

    • girlalwaysinterrupted
      December 22, 2014 at 10:33 am

      Ha! “Get up in there.” Nice. It’s not a time for modesty, right?!

      I’m not sure I could handle this guy in the delivery room…you know with the distinct possibility of unfortunate bodily functions.

      Thanks so much for reading!

  3. December 22, 2014 at 11:08 am

    Hilarious, what a great read and all the best with getting to TEN!

  4. kate @ did that just happen blog
    December 22, 2014 at 11:38 am

    Okay, “Almost 4”, like dilated? Or like the 4th kid is almost here? Cause I’m a bit freaked out that you are so close and possibly dilated – what if the baby falls out? I mean, it’s not like your body needs help with it at this point… Ack!

    Beyond that… Merry Christmas to you and all of yours! 🙂

  5. December 22, 2014 at 1:12 pm

    Emily this reminded me so much of my OBGYN who delivered my daughter. He was so cute and my husband said that you could always tell when Dr. B was in the office because all of the women’s voices would go up an octave!! Lol! Congrats on being 4, I can’t wait to see pictures of your new beautiful bundle! Sending good thoughts and love!

  6. Kathleen Gallo
    December 22, 2014 at 2:23 pm

    You have a crazy sense of humor!! I’ll never forget meeting my OB dr. in the hospital sometime after delivery of our 2nd child I think. He looked at me w/an expression of “You look familiar, but I’m not sure why?” I said ” You probably don’t recognize me standing up, you only saw me from the other end in the exam rm. & OR” – which just struck me funny! Maybe if I had lain down on the floor, feet facing him, he would have really known me! Can’t even remember how he reacted. But, it is true!!

  7. Kit
    December 23, 2014 at 7:16 am

    Hi GirlAlwaysInterrupted 🙂 Just want to get to know you. So you are nominated for the Liebster. https://enrouteinward.wordpress.com/2014/12/23/christmas-liebster-award/

  8. December 29, 2014 at 9:08 pm

    I laughed, not only because this was fabulous, but because I am sure that I frequent the same teaching hospital on Hope Dr. where one of my Dr.’s posse once initiated the visit with “when was your last period” to which I replied, “I suppose that would have been before Dr. K removed my UTERUS.” Uncomfortable giggles ensue. Love reading your blog.

  9. Diane
    December 29, 2014 at 9:09 pm

    ps. CONGRATULATIONS!

  10. Roxanna
    January 15, 2015 at 11:21 pm

    “single-vagedly” should definitely be a word! I’m coining it. Hilarious story & I love your blog!

    • girlalwaysinterrupted
      January 19, 2015 at 10:34 pm

      Ha! Yes! Let’s make it a word 🙂 Thank you so much for reading and commenting!

  11. January 22, 2015 at 4:46 am

    This is truly brilliant. Such a great way with words and thoroughly entertaining!

    Laugh out loud material.

    Certainly a new must-read blog for me!

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