Written by Emily
I’m not going to share my resolutions for the new year with you. I’m going to keep them tucked away to forget and remember and forget again. My guilt is best savored alone. Tomorrow, though, when I’m trolling the internet late at night–even though I resolved to shut down much earlier (ok, you wrestled it out of me)–I’ll be hoping to discover headlines like these for the new year…
Refined Sugar has Medicinal Properties, Especially Mixed with AP Flour
USA–Bakers from coast to coast are praising science today on the news that refined sugar is wildly nutritious. Confection sales are skyrocketing in what’s being called “the greatest news ever!” The owner of Pour Some Sugar On Me in New York City shares, “Wheat flour and agave cupcakes were the worst. This is definitely good news for us and for the world, really.” –full story C5–
Chevron Not So Great
EVERYWHERE–Designers from across the globe met in Paris last week and unanimously agreed that “chevron is not great.” In an internet debacle rivaled only by the government’s healthcare site, servers crashed and Pinterest collapsed as pinners raced to edit their boards.–full story D4–
Kale Not Healthy
PENNSYLVANIA–Several new studies reveal kale just isn’t nutritious. One blogger, KoolforKale.com, laments, “This is probably the biggest ag scandal since pink slime.” A mom adds, “I have to admit I’m relieved. I’ve tried steaming it, baking it, pureeing it and still my kids gag. And sometimes I do, too.” After further research and close examination of the vegetable’s genetic make-up, scientists suggest it is nature’s equivalent to cardboard. –full story A3—
Hot Dogs No Longer Made of Anuses, Nitrates
ANYWHERE–Hot dog manufacturers rework recipe so consumers will not cringe reading the label. Chemicals, preservatives and additives have also been removed. While some parents are pleased with the changes, a precocious tween announced, “What’s next? No salt or yellow #7 in our mac and cheese?” Children and drunk ballpark patrons are disappointed. –full story C7–
Sleep Deprivation, Coffee Consumption Good for Skin
WORLD–A collective sigh was heard around the world when dermatologists revealed sleep deprivation and coffee consumption eventually results in supple, young skin. Major traffic jams ensued as moms everywhere got out of their cars to high-five and chest-bump in the school drop-off and pick-up lines. A woman in tears shared, “I never thought this day would come.” –full story A5–
Leggings Are Not Pants, Police Making Arrests
SMALL TOWN, USA–Police and fashion police are calling leggings as pants indecent exposure. Following several accidents involving swerving traffic and nude-colored leggings, authorities are cracking down. –full story B6–
Laundry Piles and Dishes in Sink, New Shabby Chic
MY HO– — USE, USA– Designers are calling it a mix between grunge and shabby chic and promising it is “all the rage right now” to live in a house that appears to be lived in. “Laundry in a basket on the floor–folded or not–and the breakfast dishes in the sink screams, ‘we are here and we don’t care what you think! It’s very now,’ ” one designer claims. People living in homes of all kinds are very excited by the development and have turned to HGTV to lead the charge.–full story C2–
*These headlines are second to more important news developments like world peace and bipartisan decision-making, etc.
**I rather like chevron, but it’s gotten a bit out of control. I’m sure my toddler will go to school with at least one Chevron…and probably a Kale.
***I also like kale, but the pressure to feed it to my family is making me anxious. I wish pinners would stop telling me kale chips are better than potato chips. They’re not. They’re just not!