Never Read Customer Reviews if You Want to Like People

Written by Emily

My washing machine broke. At the same time Chloe got a stomach virus. Read: family emergency. I dropped everything and raced to the appliance store. In a desperate attempt to be an informed consumer, I researched several washing machines on my phone as I waited for the sales associate.

In my search, I found that washing machines are as polarizing as say politics, religion and sports. People love them or hate them, and there is nothing in between.

I consolidated and paraphrased (but only slightly) my findings, so you can have them at your fingertips should you find yourself in a similarly dreadful situation.



The zombie apocalypse is coming, and this machine started it all.

(Probably true.)


This machine saved my life. Literally. I was choking on a banana, and I fell onto the corner of the machine. It pressed on my chest just enough to dislodge the banana. I can type this review and do my laundry because of this machine’s selfless heroism.



*WTF, Maytag.

*&#$ *()# ^%#$ *@%$ *(&@ !)(# *&@ I hate you and all that you stand for.

(Wow. Seems extreme.)


Everyone told us my daughter would never walk again. When she saw this machine, she got up and walked across the room to turn it on. Miracle.

(Seems legit.)



(Now? Run now? Out of the store?)


I work at the local zoo. I am literally knee-deep in feces every single day. This machine cleans my uniform well enough so I don’t offend fellow passengers on the bus during my morning commute. I just have to run it through 4 times. A+

(So it might clean my children’s clothing.)



Now I know why it’s called whirlPOOL! My children were swimming in the laundry room because the machine flooded for the 8th time this week. Never again. Never again.

(No thank you.)


The strangest thing happened. On my way to pick out a machine, the clouds parted and a ray of sunshine shone down on the road. When I followed the ray to its end, gravel from the road had come together to spell Whirlpool. It was divine intervention. I was going to get a Maytag. I’m so glad I didn’t. Every load of laundry is touched by the hand of God.

(Does God intervene on laundry?)



If this is what Obama’s America looks like, I’m moving to Canada.

(Must research president’s impact on washing machine production.)


Have you heard of a happy ending?

(Gross…but would my husband do more laundry?)



Theirs nothin wers then this thing. Don’t clean. Stinx. Only a stoopid pursen wood by this.

(My brain is bleeding.)


Sooooooo quiiiiiieeet! Loooooooks awwwwwwesome. LOOOOOOOOOVE IIIIIITTTTT! Want to MAAAAARRRRRRY this machine.

(My eyes are bleeding.)

In the end, I decided on this:



4 comments for “Never Read Customer Reviews if You Want to Like People

  1. Michelle
    February 21, 2013 at 7:20 am

    Great way to start my morning! Laughed out so loud… Love this!

  2. Catherine Pasierb
    February 21, 2013 at 9:51 am

    Next, a stone and a river bank?

  3. February 21, 2013 at 10:15 am

    Many giggles as I read this in bed this morning. Great post!

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