Written by Emily
I just completed Chloe’s kindergarten registration packet. The “Current Functioning of Your Child” section was by-far the most difficult. My thought process went a little something like this…
How would you describe your child as a person?
One line. One line to describe my girl as a person. I’ll write she’s curious and inquisitive. Sadly, I don’t have space to mention the 58 philosophical inquiries she makes immediately after I turn out the reading lamp at night. Do I use what little space I have to include that her bedtime exploration of “Being” suggests she’s her generation’s Heidegger? Too much? Yeah, I wouldn’t want anyone to think she’s only curious as a stall tactic. Unfortunately, there isn’t room to add her morning thoughts like “why is it that when I breathe out of my mouth this morning it tastes like cheese puffs?” I’ll just stick with curious and inquisitive. I’ll also say she’s friendly and polite, but I won’t include “most of the time.” Observant. She’s observant. There’s not enough room to include the time she announced to the pre-school parking lot that I was still wearing my pajamas or the time she noticed the colossal red bump on my forehead while we were in public, and I had to take a few minutes to explain where pimples come from (Hell is what I said. No. I didn’t.). There’s just not enough real estate for that kind of detail. I’d like to share that she writes me love notes everyday and delivers them when I least expect it, but I’ll say she’s thoughtful.
How does your child get along with brothers and sisters?
See attached mp3 file of maniacal laughter and screaming. I mean they get along well but know how to push each other’s buttons.
How does your child get along with neighborhood friends?
She’s been known to exhibit “executive leadership skills.” And no, I do not mean she’s bossy. I would never say that. Attached is a copy of Lean In.
I’ll really write that she plays well with others and is comfortable leading and following.
What does your child like to do?
Well, yesterday she announced, “Wow! Sometimes my fingers taste delicious!” That’s probably not the kind of detail you’re looking for. But she seemed to like it. And I certainly won’t reveal that if given the choice, she’d love to watch Frozen on repeat 8,345 times while singing “Let it Go” until my ears bleed.
How about this: Chloe likes to play soccer, create science experiments, ride her bike, cut out paper dolls, and play with her friends.
What are some of the things your child does that upset you or make you angry?
First, I’m not sure this a judgement-free zone. I won’t mention that just the other day when her dad leaned over to correct her behavior, Chloe responded with stoicism that rivals anyone who has ever been stoic: “Your breath smells like cheese,” she said. And please stop trying to get me to tell you that her facial expressions can be misleading. For example, once her countenance told me she really understood my pearl of wisdom then her mouth followed with: “Mommy, I can see a booger in your nose.” Instead I’ll say that sometimes she gets distracted.
What do you do to discipline your child? How does he or she react?
Who is being scrutinized here? My daughter or me? I never yell. Why do you keep hounding me? What have the neighbors told you? Besides, I prefer empty threats, behavior charts that I forget to finish, and positive reinforcement jars that I found on Pinterest but are much too complicated to execute.
Chloe responds with passive aggressive comments (see parental hygiene comments above).
What I mean to say is: We use 1, 2, 3 Magic with consequences that include loss of privileges and toy time outs. Chloe shows remorse.
What are some of the things your child does which please you or make you proud?
One line again. Seriously? Here are several links specifically about Chloe. She makes me proud everyday, and she’s been on the planet for approximately 2075 days. Okay. Okay. She tries new things even if they scare her. She works well with others. She’s confident. She plays with everyone. She wonders and is filled with wonder.
Note: I’d also like to say that she’s one of the coolest girls I’ve ever known, but this might not be the place for that sort of thing. But I do hope you notice how special she is. Please ignore the places where the ink is running on this paperwork. I wasn’t crying. Leave me alone.