I Wanted Breastfeeding to End…But Then it Did.

Written by Emily

The End. Finished. Dried up. Good night. Good bye. Done.

But not my girl.

At 15 months she was nursing all through the night–every hour or two, on a good night three. Parenting manuals told me this was not right. What did they know? Except everything but nothing about my girl.

My eyes burned. My skin crawled. She screamed. She writhed. She rolled and thrashed in my arms until I gave in. And I did even though the experts told me not to.

But when I did, her body relaxed. Her mind calmed. She was soothed. She was a marionette at rest; her fear or pain let go of her strings and she fell limp in my lap. At ease.

NursingSyl

But not me.

I tightened and tensed and clenched my jaw and waited for it to be over, so I could put her in her crib and get just a few hours of sleep before she summoned me again.

I resented it. At 3 o’clock in the morning I resented her. Me, the mom, I resented my baby. Cue the hailstorm of guilt. Add torrential downpours of biblical proportion since the resentment built over breastfeeding, an act I chose deliberately and with conviction. But time and time again, the ideas I had about parenting were much less complicated and far easier to assert before I had children. I choked down my humble pie in the dark nursery with the sound machine whispering the call of the ocean, gritting my teeth with every swallow.

I wanted breastfeeding to end. I wanted my baby to sleep.

And then she did.

For two days, she slept. She didn’t want to nurse before bed. She didn’t need to nurse through the night. She woke in the morning ready to face the day. No thanks, mom.

I got what I wanted. So I cried. When my husband tried to talk to me about it, I was weepy and snotty and lovely. Because she had nursed so much, my supply increased, and I was in agony: swollen, sore, engorged. A reminder to be careful what I wish for.

Now that it was over I wished I would have savored her profile and parted lips. I wished I would have noticed where her hand rested when it released its white-knuckled fist and each finger opened like little flower petals. I wished I would have committed her legs to memory: were they crossed at the ankles or the knees?

It seems dramatic, I know. But this is the end, after all. I am Finished. Dried up. This is Good night. Good bye. We are Done. having babies.

Three children feels just right to me. During the day, I celebrate every milestone with my three where they can see my genuine smiles. But at night, I flip through my memories of lullabies that used to work, breastfeeding, mispronunciations, favorite toys, special books and so on and so on. I mourn the changes that mean my littles are growing up. And sometimes I cry because time feels overzealous and hasty and desperate.

Sylvie nursed two more times. Enough to soothe my aching chest–literally and not so. And I made sure to notice the curl of her toes and the wisps of her hair. I noticed.

And then I said good-bye.

13 comments for “I Wanted Breastfeeding to End…But Then it Did.

  1. Mea
    February 24, 2013 at 10:27 pm

    Beautiful. Made me teary-eyed. Xo

    • February 24, 2013 at 11:35 pm

      Thank you! It makes me cry, too. Good-byes are always hard for me.

  2. February 24, 2013 at 10:57 pm

    :’-(

  3. February 24, 2013 at 11:36 pm

    :’-)

  4. February 25, 2013 at 8:39 am

    Made me cry, sister. I remember all the same feelings…. it’s the first of the bitter sweet goodbyes Moms do. Rights of passage aren’t really about our kids, they’re about us parents. Over time, we’ve brought ourselves back from the edge of “crazy” and the sting of these small heartbreaks so many times and that, by the time our kids reach college age, it’s not so much that THEY can survive college, it’s that WE can!

    • February 25, 2013 at 2:29 pm

      I’m pretty sure I’ll just flip through photo albums and old videos and cry. I will be a joy to be around!

  5. Catherine Pasierb
    February 25, 2013 at 1:53 pm

    Beautiful. You have many moments of “letting go” as your children grow. Hopefully they will still reach for you time and again.

  6. February 25, 2013 at 2:29 pm

    Or she’ll reach right past me to Gigi, Gigi! 🙂

  7. February 25, 2013 at 2:32 pm

    I feel your pain. Getting close now for me too. Like you, it’s the end of something I’ll never, ever experience again. Im so sad over it I started thinking about having another. Having babies is like winning a ticket to some magical land but once you leave you can never go back. Of course there is no sleep in this magical land, which is probably why I am delusional enough to want to do it again. If only time, and my husband would entertain my delusion 🙂

    • February 25, 2013 at 2:57 pm

      You are so right…it is a magical sleepless land. And as the train leaves the station, I find myself trying to commit everything to memory before I leave. I hope time and your husband entertain your delusion–I really do 🙂

  8. Kathleen Gallo
    February 25, 2013 at 5:52 pm

    That made me teary, too! I cherished nursing all 4 of our children and was sad to see it go, because of the precious closeness time with them! You certainly had a rough time toward the end when she just wanted comforting. You had become her pacifier. So thankful you had a time to truly appreciate nursing her before she was totally done!

  9. Megan
    March 3, 2013 at 10:27 pm

    Beautiful, as always, Em. Those of us who lack in the eloquence department appreciate the beautiful picture you painted so we can relive what remains in our own memories. Thank you for sharing!

  10. March 26, 2013 at 8:20 am

    Oh mama. This is a heart wrenching post. Endings are so bittersweet with these kids, aren’t they? There is so much good and so much grief in the passage of time. Thank you for sharing this with me. I loved reading it.

    ~Colleen (Mama Pants)

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