Getting to Third Base with a MILF

Written by Emily

thirdBase

Those of you who stumbled upon this post as a result of your creepy fetish for moms, while I applaud you for recognizing how sexy moms can be, you’ll need to scoot or be sorely disappointed. MILF = Mom I’d Like to Friend. Obviously.

Back to it.

Not long ago, I went all the way with a mom friend. All. the. way. We had dinner and drinks without our children. Our torrid affair lasted for hours. Now we can’t go a single play-date without sneaking around behind our children’s backs trying to make another date.

Seven years ago, I passed this same mom a note that said: “Will you be my friend? Circle yes, no, or maybe.” Not really. But my palms were as sweaty as a middle schooler’s passing a note folded with origami perfection to her latest crush. But the stakes were so much higher this time. If she rejected me, she rejected my son–my perfect, new boy. If she said thanks but no thanks, she probably thought I was a bad mother or a needy mother or an (insert adjective here) mother. If she circled maybe, it meant I still had to prove myself to her, and I was just too tired to prove anything. I regretted asking her to be my friend the second the stupid words tumbled out of my mouth. But then she said, “yes.” YES!

We had our first lunch date with our little ones in tow. They were tiny and sleepy in their carriers. We all hit it off.

I had a person. A like-minded comrade. Chemistry.

When lunch ended, we went our separate ways.

What next? What were the rules of this game? Would she call? Should I? Was this exclusive?

Thankfully, we figured it out.

To save moms everywhere from the uncertainty of finding true love, here are:

MomDating

Use the Children:

You spotted her at the playground, and you can’t stop thinking about about the way she handled her toddler’s tantrum. You’re swooning over her packed lunch in non-BPA nesting bowls. Her baby wrap was flawlessly tied. Does she feel the same way about you? Throw your child into the sandbox with her little one to find out. Now causally make mom talk. “Isn’t she adorable?” Before your love interest leaves, tell her how much your little one adores her cherub. Reel her in. And boom. It begins.

Practice Momogamy (at first):

There is nothing more awkward than being the third wheel at a party of inside jokes. Try one-on-one play-dates until the two of you are comfortable adding another and another and another. Before you know it, you’ll be calling yourselves a book club and serving wine.

Be Exhibitionists:

Play in public. For conversation starters there will be plenty of other moms and their children to mock. No. Do not do that. If that sounded like a good idea, this isn’t going to work. Find a public place on neutral territory. The last thing you want is to hit it off with your mom crush only to have the kids marking their territory (with urine or saliva) and asserting ownership “That’s mine!” “No! Mine!” on every surface including each other.

Don’t ask her about that stain:

By stain I mean any stain on her person or in her home (if you made it that far). No good will come of calling attention to the baby mucus on her pocket. And if the stain is in her home, you may as well call her an unfit mother and slam the door on your way out. Don’t do it if you want another date, and you do. You want another date. These dates preserve your sanity!

Don’t hit her up to babysit:

You’re not in the market for a caretaker here, you’re looking for a friend. A surefire way to sink this ship is to ask this mother to take care of your children. She’s got enough going on with her own. Did you notice those stains?!

Split before dinner:

If dinnertime at your house always runs smoothly, please don’t tell me or anyone else. Your potential mom friend may not be so lucky. Scratch that, if she lives in the world of toddlers, she’s not. It’s nothing short of herding feral cats when the dinner plates touch the table. Get out before she has to explain herself.

Make a move:

Call! You’re knee deep in laundry. The kids have been crying all day. You’ve got a mortgage payment of late fees for the library. You’re hungry. Your son scored a touchdown. Your daughter is forward-facing now. Call. A person who relates to this, all of this, is what you’re looking for. Call.

Use your words:

Big into attachment parenting? Trying the Cry it Out Method? Vegetarian? Avoid citing the latest research or any research, really. It’s not a job interview. And while we all understand there’s an impulse to show you still have at least two functioning brain cells, save the MLA citations for another time. Use your own words.

Leave the Exes at the door:

It’s probably not the time to hate on your previous mom fails. Unload on the hubs until this friendship takes root.

Know when to cut and run:

Ladies, not every relationship is meant to be. The beauty of having children is that you have a built-in excuse. It’s always nap time somewhere. Is that a hive on your child’s cheek? Did you forget her favorite snack? Did you see your son’s nose run? There’s no shame in it.

Of course, when you know it’s meant to be, it is. When you enter the friend zone, and you’ve had a candlelit dinner for two or a couples massage, by all means forget the rules. Congratulations. It’s true love!

19 comments for “Getting to Third Base with a MILF

  1. November 6, 2013 at 8:32 am

    Just shared the shit out of this one. Xo

    • November 6, 2013 at 8:59 am

      I am planting a cyber smooch on your cheek, Jean! Thank you!

  2. November 6, 2013 at 8:35 am

    I don’t know if I’m insanely happy that I never had to go through this and memorize those rules, or if I’m super disappointed that I never got to third with a MILF. I actually think I’m really okay with the fact that play-dates, or heck – friends at all – were not part of my life at that stage!

    • November 6, 2013 at 9:02 am

      For me, friends at that early stage kept me whole. I was a really nervous first-time mom, as I’m sure you can imagine from my general neurotic rants, so it was good for me to have sounding boards. But I had my fair share of mom relationships that fizzled out or didn’t work. But that was ok, too.

      Be insanely happy!

  3. November 6, 2013 at 1:15 pm

    I could use tips on dating the older mom… children in school, playdates may or may not include parents at this stage… what’s an old gal to do?!

    • November 6, 2013 at 6:47 pm

      Tough one. I think you need to write those rules for me!

  4. November 6, 2013 at 3:16 pm

    I just sent this to one of my favorite Mom friends. 🙂 Thanks for the chuckle … and the memories.

    • November 6, 2013 at 6:47 pm

      I’m so glad you sent it to a friend! I’m thrilled it gave you a laugh. I have to admit, I’ve broken some of these rules 🙂

  5. November 6, 2013 at 8:32 pm

    Love this. Mom Dating is so hard!!!! I made a friend once and then it didn’t work out. I might be making another friend? I do have one in the neighborhood, but one is not enough!!! So great and funny.

  6. November 7, 2013 at 8:39 am

    Emily- I feel like I write this about every post, but I LOVE this one! Sharing it on my page, but also with a friend who is feeling awkward about making new friends. Yes, I mean me, but also an actual friend, too. We both moved. Away from each other. *tear*

    • November 11, 2013 at 11:04 pm

      I hope the burbs treat you well 🙂 I dread ever moving away from my friends, so I can imagine that’s so hard. I hope your friendship stands the test of time and distance and that you’re able to always pick up where you left things. Ugh! Dating is so hard. It’s taken me a year to introduce myself to the moms on NOah’s hockey team. I am lame.

  7. November 7, 2013 at 4:13 pm

    Once again wishing I was among the ranks of MILFs rather than the one seeking a MILF…. wait, that came out creepy and wrong. I mean I am once again wishing I could BE a MILF, not that I’m once again seeking one… Oh, to hell with it.

    LOVE this piece. I, too, am going to share it for a friend as well as myself.

    • November 11, 2013 at 11:00 pm

      Jessica, your comment made me laugh! You are certainly a MILF, and I wish you the best of luck seeking out fellow MILFs, too 🙂 Thank you for reading, commenting and sharing. And enjoy breaking all the “rules” with your true love!

  8. November 13, 2013 at 1:38 pm

    Emily, I had no idea you were such a baller! This post is a little sketchy, but so true! Since I can’t unload on our first date, I’ll just do it on the internet instead. One of my most memorable and failed mommy dates was when a mom said her daughter wouldn’t be interested in our electronic toys because they don’t allow electronic toys in their house!:0 She was so dumped.

  9. November 15, 2013 at 9:15 pm

    Friends are key. The great thing about making friends at your kids preschool is that you find people with kids just your kids’ ages, bonus if they live nearby. Then you go through the various development stages and can chat on a more equal basis, but you have to try to stay in touch as time goes by. And you have to make them an honorary family member and give your kid no opportunity to kick the other kid to the curb. It’s great if you can manage semi-monthly lunches with a small group. I feel so happy when I get together with my friends. In fact, a friend and I are going out Saturday night and doing something. Who knows what. Haven’t had time to decide yet. It doesn’t even matter, just doing anything at all is good. Not everybody can or will leave their hubby and kids for a night out, though. But I will. LOL

  10. December 4, 2013 at 1:17 pm

    Stopping by from Finding the Funny! As a working mom, it’s hard to find time to connect with other mamas with kids at the same stages & ages. Love your guide to mom-dating!

  11. StacyKK
    December 4, 2013 at 2:13 pm

    Found you on Find the Funny. I love this one. I have a best friend that was my friend before and then we happened to get pregnant 2 weeks apart…but she lived 2 hrs away. Then my son started liking a little girl and her mom and I hit it off almost exactly how this post plays out (including the note but it just had her phone number on it). Now I live in my husband’s hometown so plenty of family but no mommy friends yet. I really need to enroll my little guys in some activities and start all over again.

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