Doritos Joins Forces with 7-11 to Create Stuffed Treat. Mom Fears What’s Next…

Written by Emily

In an exciting development, Doritos is allegedly teaming up with 7-11 to create fab fried munchies like Doritos encrusted mozzarella sticks. With marijuana legislation heating up across the country, their timing could not be more impeccable. I get it.

Obviously, the popularity of Doritos Loco Tacos has the company thinking the sky is the limit, but I, for one, am not looking forward to where this kind of haughty zeal will take the company. It’s hard enough when parents completely disregard the “Healthy Snack List” and send my kids home from school with powdered cheese mustaches, a crazed expression, and the remnants of their savory snack in pulverized crumbs at the bottom of their backpacks. For days I explain, “those chips are a very special snack we don’t have at home”, but just like a domestic animal is changed after they’ve had a taste of blood, so it is with my children. They’re changed forever when Doritos pass their lips. I’m not sure how long I can hold them back.

When Doritos joined forces with Taco Bell, I stood my ground. Now it’s Doritos and 7-11. I think we’re still okay, but I fear what’s next. The kind of power that’s fueling this snack company has me fearing for my children’s future and wondering if my fortitude is any match for their curious taste buds. If Doritos is smart, and we know they are, they will probably engage in a huge marketing campaign to find out just what their enthusiasts are looking for.

They’ll no-doubt discover fewer females gorging themselves on their tortilla treats, which will inspire a merger with Cover Girl to create Doritos Dusting Powder–perfect for a sun-kissed orange glow with the added bonus of a taste that will have suitors knocking down doors.

CheeseConcealer

There’s already cola and root beer-flavored lip gloss. Is it really a stretch?

Certainly, Doritos researchers will notice there are night-life activities in which the savory snack chip has not made its presence known. Before we know it, a union with Victoria’s Secret will inspire edible underwear for the erotic crowd.

spicyunders

As a mother, I can’t imagine the health risk, but no one listens to the mother…certainly not heads of corporate machines.

If VS signs on, Trojan will be chomping at the bit to get in on the action with a line of prophylactics. Bacon bandaids already exist, so…

Although Doritos has a pretty firm grasp on the school-aged children demographic, it won’t be long before they want to prepare babies and toddlers’ palates for MSG magic. Their intense drive will have Fisher Price and Gerber duking it out while developers talk of teethers, Doritos Dippers, and Doritos pureed pouches for moms and babies on the go.

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No-GMO activists will be reduced to pawns in everyone’s orange-tipped fingers and mothers everywhere will be left coughing in a cloud of powdery cheese until they, too, want nothing more than the latest Doritos lipstick in Cool Ranch.

Damn you, Doritos.

7 comments for “Doritos Joins Forces with 7-11 to Create Stuffed Treat. Mom Fears What’s Next…

  1. February 12, 2014 at 9:30 pm

    Emily, your brain is a work of art. Please have it donated to science when your time comes. The Doritos teething products, the spicy underwear, and sadly, I might actually buy cool ranch lip gloss!!

    • February 13, 2014 at 10:48 am

      Kate, I’m blushing! And you are too funny! As soon as I see some Cool Ranch lipstick I will send it your way 🙂

    • February 18, 2014 at 10:40 pm

      I want the cool ranch lip gloss. seriously! does Lays join in and offer it in sour cream and onion? 😉

      • February 18, 2014 at 10:50 pm

        Hahahaha! Your comment really made me laugh. I’m sure Lays would be happy for the suggestion 🙂

      • February 19, 2014 at 8:28 am

        Shut the front door!! Sour cream and onion!!! YES!

  2. February 13, 2014 at 9:09 am

    Hilariously written, but frighteningly possible. I have zero faith in corporations to take any interest whatsoever in consumers beyond what they can fool us into spending money on. I have started early with my kids telling them how awful artificial ingredients are for their growing bodies. I am proud to say the old ladies in Hallmark were all a-twitter when my 3yo asked if the giant Tootsie-Pop on display was artificial. When I said yes, she said, “Oh, then that’s bad for us and we shouldn’t have it.” and she walked away from the display to look at the stuffed animals. 🙂
    My 6yo with ADHA has agreed to trade me any candy from her Valentine’s party that she shouldn’t eat for a square of all-natural Ghiradelli chocolate that has been stamped with love messages.
    Making trades helps them feel like they aren’t missing out! (yes, I’m totally bragging here, but it was a brainstorm that hit me light lightening at Target when we were looking for the Valentines for her to bring to school!)
    🙂

    • February 13, 2014 at 10:47 am

      Lori, you are absolutely right to be wary. The junk in our food gives me the shivers! I love the switch idea! My sister-in-law has a “Switch Witch” at Halloween. The kids can put out candy that night in exchange for whatever the Switch Witch brings: books or craft supplies or a little something fun. It’s a super cool idea, I think. Thanks so much for reading and sharing! Hope you’re surviving the snow!

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