Written by Emily
In an exciting development, Doritos is allegedly teaming up with 7-11 to create fab fried munchies like Doritos encrusted mozzarella sticks. With marijuana legislation heating up across the country, their timing could not be more impeccable. I get it.
Obviously, the popularity of Doritos Loco Tacos has the company thinking the sky is the limit, but I, for one, am not looking forward to where this kind of haughty zeal will take the company. It’s hard enough when parents completely disregard the “Healthy Snack List” and send my kids home from school with powdered cheese mustaches, a crazed expression, and the remnants of their savory snack in pulverized crumbs at the bottom of their backpacks. For days I explain, “those chips are a very special snack we don’t have at home”, but just like a domestic animal is changed after they’ve had a taste of blood, so it is with my children. They’re changed forever when Doritos pass their lips. I’m not sure how long I can hold them back.
When Doritos joined forces with Taco Bell, I stood my ground. Now it’s Doritos and 7-11. I think we’re still okay, but I fear what’s next. The kind of power that’s fueling this snack company has me fearing for my children’s future and wondering if my fortitude is any match for their curious taste buds. If Doritos is smart, and we know they are, they will probably engage in a huge marketing campaign to find out just what their enthusiasts are looking for.
They’ll no-doubt discover fewer females gorging themselves on their tortilla treats, which will inspire a merger with Cover Girl to create Doritos Dusting Powder–perfect for a sun-kissed orange glow with the added bonus of a taste that will have suitors knocking down doors.
There’s already cola and root beer-flavored lip gloss. Is it really a stretch?
Certainly, Doritos researchers will notice there are night-life activities in which the savory snack chip has not made its presence known. Before we know it, a union with Victoria’s Secret will inspire edible underwear for the erotic crowd.
As a mother, I can’t imagine the health risk, but no one listens to the mother…certainly not heads of corporate machines.
If VS signs on, Trojan will be chomping at the bit to get in on the action with a line of prophylactics. Bacon bandaids already exist, so…
Although Doritos has a pretty firm grasp on the school-aged children demographic, it won’t be long before they want to prepare babies and toddlers’ palates for MSG magic. Their intense drive will have Fisher Price and Gerber duking it out while developers talk of teethers, Doritos Dippers, and Doritos pureed pouches for moms and babies on the go.
No-GMO activists will be reduced to pawns in everyone’s orange-tipped fingers and mothers everywhere will be left coughing in a cloud of powdery cheese until they, too, want nothing more than the latest Doritos lipstick in Cool Ranch.
Damn you, Doritos.