Are You Ready for a Vacation with Your Children? Really?!

Written by Emily and Gina (Emily’s Facation Partner)

Someone wrote the lyrics, “summertime and the living’s easy.” That person did not have children. There are a million words I could use to describe any season with my little ones, but easy would not ever make the list. Ever. Not once.

Already in the throes of a beach vacation, I’m pretty much an expert…well, as much as a 5-year old who loves Legos is an expert in engineering. Go ahead. Ask me anything.

Better yet, try this little quiz to see how prepared you are for your impending family vacation (total misnomer, by the way. Let’s call it a facation).

facation

See how you fair. Remember, your entire facation hinges on your answers. No pressure.

quiz

1. When your son pees all over his car seat while he’s wearing a swim diaper, it dawns on you that those diapers do not keep pee inside. You…

a. Explode in fit of germiphobic hysteria as a montage of images flash before you: the baby drinking pool water, the 50 babies splashing in the pool, your body waist-deep in water you convinced yourself was not a strange greenish-yellow hue.

b. Write a strongly-worded letter to swim diaper companies demanding a better product and questioning their commitment to the health and well-being of our future generations.

c. Rinse everyone off, use a little extra soap at bathtime (if there is a bathtime) and pour yourself a cocktail.

d. All of the above.

2. You finally arrive at your destination after trekking so far your calves burn. The moment your bottom hits a seat, someone has to go to the bathroom and then another and then another…and it’s a “#2, Mommy!” You…

a. Cry.

b. Consider digging holes in the ground because you’ve come to realize your children are really just wild animals.

c. Take a deep breath, grab an adult beverage and hike to the nearest Job Johnny.

d. All of the above.

3. It’s midnight and everyone is asleep. As you take a deep breath and settle into your seat, it occurs to you that your children have brushed their teeth a total of three times, and it’s day 5 of your trip. You…

a. Start hyperventilating and cancel the children’s dental appointments (you know the dentist will judge you for the plaque build-up and NO! you obviously aren’t making the kids floss daily.)

b. Vow to say, “No” to the kids’ requests for ice cream tomorrow (at least the second and third ones).

c. Relax with a cold one and let your heavy eyelids close.

d. All of the above.

4. You got up early to prepare lunches for the fam, made-to-order: cheese, no cheese, crust, no crust, pb&j, pb no j only to have epic mealtime meltdowns the likes of which you’ve never seen. You…

a. Laugh–not in a this-is-so-much-fun way, but in a way that sounds terrifying and crazy.

b. Jump into the nearest body of water and scream while you’re submerged.

c. Grab a drink from your fully-stocked cooler.

d. All of the above.

5. You smell something sour somewhere, a hybrid stink you can’t place. You sniff the air, crawl around, bury your face in your little one’s diaper. Nothing. And then you realize it’s you. Swim diaper seepage left a fragrant gift on your bathing suit cover-up. You…

a. Scream and sanitize yourself and everything you’ve touched.

b. Are a little relieved that’s the reason several customers behind you at the grocery store moved to a different line.

c. Change, finish your coffee, and grab a glass of wine.

d. All of the above.

6. It’s the fourth consecutive day of sunshine, and your children are becoming more adept at wriggling away from your sunscreened hands. While you chase them around the room and dodge the whines hurled in your direction, you…

a. Consider buying a roll of duct tape to secure them to the nearest fixed structure.

b. Develop diversion tactics even the United States military would be proud of.

c. Lube those suckers up and stock the cooler with enough adult beverages to take the edge off.

d. All of the above.

7. You take a moment to scroll through the vacay pictures on your phone. You…

a. Cry, real happy tears and instantly send them to everyone you know.

b. Smile and tear up while you upload them to a Photobook titled: Best Vacation Ever.

c. Laugh while you sip a special facation cocktail and doctor the photos on Instagram to share with your nearest friends, family and cyber-bffs

d. All of the above.

If you answered a, b, c or d to any of the above questions, congratulations! You’re “vacationing” with children, and you’ll miss it as soon as it’s over.

11 comments for “Are You Ready for a Vacation with Your Children? Really?!

  1. June 27, 2013 at 4:49 pm

    I love how #5 is coffee, followed closely by wine 🙂 That is pretty much every Fri and Sat night for me, “facation” or not.

    • July 2, 2013 at 3:31 pm

      The truth is, we went through a heck of a lot more coffee than anything else. We used to have to do an adult beverage run mid-week. Now, we had to get creamer on day 2 :/

  2. Catherine Pasierb
    June 27, 2013 at 7:11 pm

    Now you may have a new respect for Grammy who vacationed at the beach with eight children in tow! That was at a time when we packed a footlocker with bed linens, towels, and pots and pans! We stayed for one or two weeks, and she would invite relatives and friends to drop in. Be amazed!

    • July 2, 2013 at 3:33 pm

      I get the shakes just thinking about that. Seriously.

  3. Rebecca
    June 27, 2013 at 11:42 pm

    Just got back from a facation in a double cabin at Knoebels with not only my six children, but seven nieces and nephews (three of which are 2-yr-olds!!!). Wish I’d packed a bunch of option #4, but I didn’t!!! Happy to be home!

    • July 2, 2013 at 3:35 pm

      Welcome home! On days when I’m having a particularly tough time, I think of you…and then I feel worse because you don’t just survive, you thrive 🙂 At least that’s the way it looks to outsiders 🙂 Well played!

  4. July 2, 2013 at 7:38 pm

    Leaving tomorrow with my 2 kids, 4 & 9 mo. I have Valium and purell close by 😉

    • July 7, 2013 at 11:58 pm

      Ha! You are well prepared! Have fun!

  5. July 2, 2013 at 8:34 pm

    I have always loved what our first pediatrician told me, a vacation with children is not a vacation, it’s a change in location. Just reading your post I started to get a panic attack!! 🙂

    • July 7, 2013 at 11:58 pm

      Oh no! Deep breaths 🙂 We survived! Your pediatrician was absolutely right!

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